LOL

-          My wife is so ugly, when she passed out at the Christmas party...
she woke up with more clothes on.

 

-          I'd love to give my imaginary friend a great big hug,
but this jacket makes it impossible.

 

-          "Can I borrow your penguin?"
"What?"
...just another day at the office with my work colleague 'Gwynn'

 

-          I broke up with my girlfriend last night using the classic line "It's not you, it's me."
"You're just saying that to make me feel better" she sobbed.
"No, it is me" I replied, "My wife's found out."

 

-          I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my wife calls her a whore.

 

-          My daughter has decided to do hair and beauty when she leaves school.
Basically she's thick as fuck.